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| Sometimes I wonder if people are more likely to read my thoughts here or on my actual web page. So for tonight, my thoughts go here I guess.
I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about connections between people. [If you are reading this (Nep) you will laugh and harass me a ton later!] The last few nights I have entertained a certain someone in my dreams. Needless to say, since he was male, and hot, I was delighted. It made me wish I had the ability to control my dreams (or have lucid dreams). Unfortunately, that has only ever happened to me once, and let me tell you, it was awesome. But I also got to thinking, what if the people we are dreaming about can tell? What if on some level they can feel it, or what if they are even dreaming about us and don't know it?
I have dreams all the time involving people I can't put a name to. Wouldn't it be crazy if that connection did exist? Or maybe that is just fantastic thinking. I like how the Thai interpret dreams. My friend once told me that if you dream about a persons death it is a good thing, because you are actually preventing something bad from happening to them. It's almost as if by dreaming, you are preventing the reality from happening. I find that interesting.
I've been finishing up some readings by the author Paulo Coelho, who is most famous for his book, "The Alchemist." He writes a lot about reality, spirituality, and morality. I've really enjoyed some of his works, and others not so much. But perhaps what I like best is that I believe he writes to provoke thought in his readers. He writes in a style suggesting we are all connected on some level.
If I am lucky, some day I will publish something- a book of poetry, a memoir, or fiction perhaps. I would love to publish because it would mean sharing a piece of my life, thoughts, and experiences with others. Allowing others to connect to what I have lived through. However, publishing is extremely difficult and you have to be extremely talented. So in the meantime, there is always a blog, or a web page, or a cup of coffee shared with friends. As long as we are connecting with each other.
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| So, besides men, I do have other addictions. If you have talked to me recently you would know that on the top of that list is buying snowboarding gear. Why? That's a good question. I have only ever gone 3 times in my life, yet after every trip I can feel the addiction grow stronger. I want my own boots, board, and outerwear. Also maybe goggles, a helmet, wrist guards, a water backpack, gloves, new bindings, a bag for the board I don't have yet... and some more odds and ends. I have been window shopping lately since most of the stores in So Cal have 30% off all snowboarding and skiing supplies and the supplies are going fast! In only two days I have seen the stores shrink. Which naturally leaves me in a bit of a panic. I need to find the perfect items NOW! Of course that is also innately impossible for me.
But thanks to this MARVELOUS new invention called the internet!! I have found more places where I can buy everything, and that means more choices. What to do... well, how about post some items up here for fun!! Sounds like a plan.
Here is my dream board, which I will order if my snowboarding pro/friend says it's a good fit for me tomorrow. Isn't it BEAUTIFUL!!
Next are the pants I found online
I'm not sure I really like them, but they'd match the board, and they have some cool extras.
Followed by this pair which I think is sold out in my size. Too bad cause I think they're prettier and would match my black jacked... what to do...
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| Yes, that's what I want to know, who are you? Who are you people reading my blog from Colorado and New York? From London? How did you find my site? I can see your footprints, I just don't know who you are... Do I know you? 'Cause if I don't why would you continue to read my posts? They aren't that interesting are they?
Well, enough questions for one night. I'm stuck in the usual ponderings of late night and wish I could rinse my train of thoughts out. It all starts innocent. I go to craigslist and look at the part time jobs. Next, once I realize there STILL isn't anything interested I go to the etc. and events pages which if I'm lucky will offer me more free money through focus groups. Then, once I see that there aren't any, and that to really earn money on CL I need to donate my body to science and medicine, I give in. Yup, I give in.
One click- "M4W", then another- "over 18" and I'm in. I read mostly just the posts around my age which include pictures. The men offer various things; one night stands, long term loving committed relationships, marriage, you name it. They range from hot to horrible. And my best guest is that most of the men are diseased, lol. On a bad night I get tempted to respond to one or two, hoping that John Doe really is the man of my dreams just stuck in the same rut as I am. On other nights I get bored and close the tab on my browser before I even finish searching the page.
Right now it seems all I have is my 24 hour fitness. I go to work out, don't get my wrong, but I also go for the meat. And let me tell you, there is plenty! I figure, enough men have made me their eye candy over the years and now it's their turn. I stare. That's right. I stare. I lift weights most days I'm there since that is where the good looking guys usually are. I'm sure most of their brains are the size of peas, but it's fun never the less. I just don't have any other outlet is all. I thought once I began more of a normal life I would start dating, meeting me. But no. It's hard to meet people when you have the social circle I do. Which is made up of more dots that don't connect. Sure I could ask for the cute starbucks guys number, or e-mail that one good looking guy, but I hate being the aggressor. And those situations rarely work out for me anyway.
So, then it's midnight, and I'm alone. I curl up just to find my full length body pillow which isn't as warm as the real thing. I can't explain how much I miss it. Even if it was years ago. I miss having someone to fall asleep with, and wake up to. I miss being touched. I miss making out. I miss being in a relationship. I know that blogging about it wont change a thing, but at least it's an outlet. I miss what I never had, and I miss what little I did.
The nights are cold and lonely, I fear I'll never find what I'm looking for.
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| I must write my obligatory Valentine's post I guess. I'll start with last night.
Last night I went over to a friends house to help her make treats for her students. Let me tell you, they are lucky kids. I spent three hours helping her melt chocolate, dip oreos in chocolate, smother oreos in chocolate, unwrap Hersey's mint truffle kisses, melt Hersey's mint truffle kisses, and smother oreos in melted Hersey's mint truffle kisses. Needless to say I had chocolate all over my by the end. Everywhere but where it needed to be- in MY MOUTH!! Haha, any of you that know me well enough know that I usually give up sweets for lent (along with doing some other private things), and most of you who know me well enough know this is NEVER easy for me. So, if last night was a test, then I hope God was watching!
This morning I joined my new found friend Ken, and provided Animal Assisted Therapy at two convalescent homes in Irvine. For Valentine's Day it was pretty depressing. But I wasn't sure what was worse- the state of some of the patients or the state of the employees who work there (the moral of this story is treat your children well!). But there were some women there who put a smile on my day and really made the trip worth it. It's funny, there really weren't any men there, I guess they do die younger. Anyway, this one woman it turned out spoke German! So we had a little chat in German which I think she liked, even though she was enjoying the guinea pig much more.
The trauma of today involved me finding out that the (expensive) flowers I ordered to be sent to a friend in Sacramento NEVER SHOWED UP!!! Yes, how depressing eh? You pay, you expect satisfaction, and NOTHING! Tomorrow there will be angry voices dialing up "Flower Concepts" in Sacramento! I mean, how can you forget an order on VALENTINE'S DAY!! Ok, enough caps I know.
But the true gift of today, is the blessing of friends and family, if that's not too cliche. My adopted Godparents got me a card, and I got them one as well. I've recently got an old friend back in my life, which means a lot. And as tough as it is being in Newport without many good friends close by, the friends I do have that are far are amazing! So, I hope everyone had a wonderful Single Awareness Day and like JT said, "spread the love!"
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| Ahhh what a life. I met two guys today. The first one I was not interested in and he asked for my number. The second is still turning in my head, and I fear I will never see him again. But that is life...
And what is life without lessons. I almost wonder if people get punished directly for their bad decision and choices in this lifetime. I keep seeing examples. This guy, Matt, is about my age. In high school he played football, partied with the hot girls, and lead what I'm sure was a wild life for his young age. He drank, and partied, but got offered a football scholarship to a good College. However he turned it down since it was Mormon, and that would mean no alcohol. You would think that after his first DUI he would learn that driving into mailboxes wasn't a good idea, but no. He had a second DUI, he fell asleep at the wheel. Lesson learned, right? A year after the first DUI (I think) he was none the wiser. In 1991 there was no seatbelt law. His friend was driving and neither one of them wore a seatbelt. When his friend veered off the road and they crashed, Matt flew about 30 feet from the car. His friend ended up on crutches, he ended up in a coma. Matt made an amazing recovery, and now 17 years later he can drive, walk, talk, and is working towards becoming an Occupational Therapist.
To me, this story is both amazing in how miraculous his recovery was (the doctors didn't know if he'd even survive) but it is also tragic in that our society allows for addictions to destroy people's lives. Today Matt is sober, but smokes, a vice I strongly disapprove of. His flirtatious manner, and high ego are still intact. But all I see is a high school student, so keen on living life he almost lost it.
I pray I will never have to learn my lessons that way...
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